I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I want this so bad
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??