Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.