Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Always…
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?