What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
In Canada they just call them geese
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
multitasking lunch
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth