Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
You Might Also Like
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
This story is comedy gold 😂
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!