[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.