[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
socratic questions
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Breakfast for Stoners:
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.