*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.