MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
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I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Rambo Rambow
Children of the corn 🌽
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
this article brought to you by lions
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO