Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Candles never taste the way they smell
#polloftheday
just left a huge legacy in there
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Autocarrot sucks!
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible