Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.