Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: