Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?