The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
meanwhile over on facebook
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.