In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
The internet is full of many things
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.