PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Basically.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?