Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I鈥橫 NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can鈥檛 give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: so they don鈥檛 punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
#Caturday
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they鈥檙e not home.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated