“Theirye’re” problem solved
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Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.