*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page