Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.