The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
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Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
pizza
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
back to work
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not