Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Its a hippotatomus
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Did I do this right
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop