Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.