WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
had to share :’)
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both