Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
What if the weather talks about us?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub