It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Tell the colonel to bring it
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.