kids play hide and seek like
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes