*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
one last job
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!