Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Bloody internet 😳
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I love art.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.