I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
This is hilarious….
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.