Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
this has done me in for some reason
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up