*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
You Might Also Like
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.