It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help