Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Never be a pizza!
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*