one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.