Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”