king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.