Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
You Might Also Like
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it