[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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Just a bush.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*