When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
You Might Also Like
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.