I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.