*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
j o i m p
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.