I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
B
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.