[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
You Might Also Like
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.