My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
hey, alexa
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia