You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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this independent good boy don’t need no human
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.