Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
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“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Money is the root of all wealth
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I put the hot in psychotic.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye