This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
never deleting this app.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.