You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
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black phone good
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.