Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.